Choosing Not To Do Reconstruction

I will tell you that this was not an easy choice, nor one I took lightly. I agonized over this even before I knew for sure I was going to have a bilateral mastectomy. Back when I first found out the DCIS diagnosis in May I already started considering my options. I'm a girl who likes to know her path and what lies on that path. I like to be prepared as best as I can be. So when I knew it could potentially be a possibility, I immediately began thinking about what I would do.  I researched. I asked opinions from people who had it done and didn't have it done. Ultimately I determined it's an extremely personal choice and I would only find the right answer inside myself. 

I had a friend who had breast cancer nine years prior and she was the same age I was when I found out - 35. I remember what the stages of her reconstruction were with implants so I wasn't completely in the dark on what to expect. My initial thought was no reconstruction. I hate needles, hate surgery and didn't want to have multiple surgeries for boobs. I felt they were unnecessary surgeries and risks for me to take considering I have a two year old. Again I say, I HATE needles. 

Initially when I found out I would have a lumpectomy I was torn between relief and not feeling like it was the right option. My intuition told me it was the wrong path. When the lumpectomy was called off and the mastectomy became the option, I promised I would talk to a plastic surgeon anyway even though I still felt like I didn't want to have the reconstruction. 

Talking with the plastic surgeon reinforced my fears - implants were not lifetime devices and I would end up with multiple surgeries over the course of my life. I left the office, stopped in the bathroom on the way out and cried. I cried because I knew I had no option for reconstruction that didn't involve doing more than I wanted to do (a flap surgery of some sort) or implants that required more than one surgery. For me a TRAM or DEIP flap surgery was just overkill. For me. I totally get the advantages of it and understand why some people choose to have those procedures done.  But for me it was just too much to go through. There was no miracle, easy, one step to boobs option. 

Interestingly, no one ever gave not doing reconstruction as an option. It was assumed that's what I wanted. I felt very hurt by this. Doctors, nurses, family members - they all made that assumption. When I said I didn't want to they questioned me and said things like, "young people need reconstruction," and "you can always do it later."  I got "the look."  The plastic surgeon told me that women who delay reconstruction are the best patients because they are just happy to have something. Because it's better than no reconstruction.  Nice. Thanks doc.  Even right before they took me into surgery the surgeon and two nurses told me I could always do it later. Verbatim. Like I didn't know what I was doing. At follow up appointments medical professionals told me that again. The oncologist asked, although I do feel like he asked out of care and concern more than to be pushy or assume. It ticked me off to no end. There are other ways to have boobs after cancer. I always intended to get the breast forms and some mastectomy bras. Just because I didn't choose reconstruction didn't mean I wanted to be flat. Fake is fake, inside or out. 

Once the surgery was over and I looked down to see flat it never freaked me out. I never cried. I never screamed. I was just happy the cancer was out. Even when I got home and took off the bandages it never bothered me. The first time I cried when I got home was when my son was upset I couldn't lay with him at bedtime and that impacted me emotionally more than the loss of da boobs. I felt like I made the right choice. The best part was a week after surgery when the drains came out and I could lay with my little boy at night and snuggle again. That right there is what is important. 

I went and got fitted for some prosthetics and got a good stash of bras. Boy!  What a difference that made. I had been using some batting filled ones that came with the post-op camisole I bought and they just weren't the right shape. When I got the real ones and some pretty bras to go with it I felt like myself again. 

Six weeks after surgery I saw the oncologist and was put on Tamoxifen. When that visit was over I went to the car and cried out of relief. For me it was the end of the first phase. I could get out of purely survival mode and really realize what happened. Everything started to sink in. 

90% of the time I'm fine with my decision not to do reconstruction. The other 10% I contimplate implants.  I think this is a normal part of adjusting. This past week I've really been considering it more than before but I believe that the grief is starting to hit and it's more about me losing my breasts than me trying to replace them. When I stop and think about everything it would entail to get them, I still don't feel they are right for me.  I look at pictures and think to myself, probably not for me.  I miss having MY breasts. I don't really know if I would be any happier with implants over the prosthetics I wear. They won't look the same, feel the same, or be the same as what I had. So for now I continue on with the grief process and letting my emotions go where they need to go. I know acceptance is the final phase and I am far from it, and I refuse to jump into something now to try and ease the pain and regret it later, especially when I am not 100% sure that it would actually make the grieving any easier.  Like I said before, they wouldn't be the same anyway. 

Mainly I want women to know it's okay not to have reconstruction done. Don't let anyone push you into it if you don't want it. Be sure to ask what all is involved with the surgeries and what happens 10-15 years down the road so you know what to expect. Ask ask ask. Wearing prosthetics is an option. They make a lot of pretty bras now and have a lot of options. Above all make the decision that is best for you.